


A Cerulean State

by karlurbvns



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Blood, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Hurt Jim, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Serious Injuries, Tarsus IV, if I've missed anything, may add more tags should I need, mentions of Tarsus IV, please let me know!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2018-11-10 03:19:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11118828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karlurbvns/pseuds/karlurbvns
Summary: For most people, the end of the world is the sound of explosions. Buildings buckling and crumbling. Metal twisting and breaking. But for Leonard McCoy it sounded different. For Leonard, the end of the world was the sound of Jim Kirk uttering three words."Who are you."





	1. Life After Life

**Author's Note:**

> At the moment, I only have plans to make this into three parts, but I may do more.  
> Also I'd really value your feedback. Feel free to be as harsh as you see necessary, I'd love to hear what you think!

 

Bringing Jim back from the dead had been no easy feat. His body had been desecrated with an amount of radiation that no human could survive. 

If it hadn't been for Khan's platelets, Jim would be in the ground. But instead, he lay unconscious in Star Fleet hospital. For the first few days, Leonard wasn't sure that Jim _would_ survive. He barely left the room, fussing over Jim whenever he could. Much to the protestation of the crew of the Enterprise, Leonard refused to sleep any more than an hour at a time.  Even when there when there was no immediate medical attention needed, Leonard would just sit with Jim, enjoying the quiet silence. 

It was late at night and Leonard was in his usual armchair, by the window that looked out over the San Francisco skyline. Leonard glanced back over at the display screen. Jim's vitals were improving. His fever was finally coming down and his white cell count was increasing. Leonard watched Jim in amazement. Beneath the pale skin, cracked lips and bruised body, Khan's platelets were silently and seamlessly working to repair the damage to Jim's body. Though they wouldn't be enough on their own.  

Jim was oblivious to what lay ahead. Usually, Jim's injuries would be resolved with a hypo in the arm, or a pill twice a day. But not this one. This wasn't something that Jim would just be able to walk away from. Not this time.  

As Leonard watched him, he wondered how Jim would react when he woke. He expected confusion at first. But would Jim be happy? To be alive? Or would he be angry at the lengths that Leonard had gone to save his life.  

Leonard did not consider that there might be a third option.  

 

Jim had been unconscious for two weeks. Leonard's voice echoed through the hospital corridor as he cursed loudly, his wet clothes sticking to him due to the fact he'd forgotten an umbrella. Peeling off his sopping wet coat, he hung it up to dry and headed straight to Jim's room, coffee flask in hand. 

"Mornin' Jim." he said softly as he walked into the room. But stopping in his tracks, he was startled to find that he was not alone. 

"Spock. What are you doing here?" 

"I was just visiting the Captain," the Vulcan said, hands held behind his back.  

Leonard nodded, not knowing what else to say, having never been one for small talk. Spock was the last person he felt like trying to make an effort with. He was about to break the silence, when a blaring of alarms startled the both of them.  

Leonard rushed to Jim, the Vulcan following closely behind. Leonard's first thought that Jim was having a seizure. With the amount of brain damage he'd suffered, Jim was at an alarmingly high risk. But this was not the case. Jim lay quietly. It wasn't until Leonard checked the monitor, that he realized what was happening.

Not daring to believe what he was seeing on the screen in front of him, Leonard 

"Doctor McCoy. What is happening?" Spock's voice filled with unprecedented concern.  

Leonard was silent for a moment, unable to speak. 

"Doctor?" Spock repeated.  

"My god." He finally managed. 

"These waves here, see how they're oscillating." Leonard said, pointing to the screen.  "They're beginning to fire."  

"What does that mean, Doctor?" Spock  

"It means..." said Leonard, his hands shaking uncontrollably, " ...that Jim is waking up." 

 

 

When Jim opened his eyes, Leonard thought he might actually pass out. Barely able to contain himself, he forced long, slow deep breaths of oxygen into his lungs. He needed to stay focused, alert. Leonard had asked Spock to call the rest of the crew, which gave him some time to observe Jim alone. He didn't want to overwhelm Jim. 

Checking his vitals, Leonard was mildly concerned at Jim's elevated heart rate, but that was to be expected. Making a mental note to keep an eye on that, Leonard brought his attention back to Jim. He watched as the kid blinked heavily, his blue eyes adjusting to his new surroundings. He didn't try to talk to Jim, giving him a few minutes to come to. 

"Don't be so melodramatic." Leonard began with a quick witted smile, running a tricorder over Jim. "You were barely dead." 

Jim didn't answer. His gaze fell slowly on Leonard, forehead creased in confusion, he opened his mouth to speak. "Who-who are you?" 

Panic flooding through him, Leonard felt the blood drain from his face. His insides freezing, he dropped the tricorder, unable to move.  

Whatever Leonard had been expecting, it hadn't been this.   

 

* * * * * * 

 

In the days that followed, Leonard subjected Jim to every test under the Earth's sun. He watched from behind a one way screen as Jim lay perfectly still under a large scanner that detected what a tricorder could not.  

Arms folded, Leonard chewed his lip. He couldn't help but notice how small Jim looked, his thin frame drowning in the thick bundle of blankets he was wrapped up in.  

Dying had taken it's toll on Jim. Khan's platelets had saved Jim's life, but the damage to his body had been extensive. It would take weeks of physical therapy and a stringent course of vitamins and minerals to boost his immune system.  

With each new test, Leonard would hope, hell he'd pray to a God he wasn't sure he believed in, that his hunch was wrong. But as he read the results of Jim's latest scan, Leonard reached out to the nearest wall to steady himself, nausea washed over him in sickening waves.

Head hung low, Leonard exhaled slowly. There was no time to process this, he would have to tell the others who were all anxiously waiting.  

"Oh Jim." Leonard said, letting the wall behind him take the brunt of his weight. "What have I done to you?"  

 

* * * * * * 

 

"Jim has what we call Retrograde Amnesia." Leonard finally announced. The words felt heavy, as Leonard forced himself to say them.  

The rest of the crew all looked at Leonard, unsure of what was to come next.  

"Jim's brain was without oxygen for too long," he continued, "So he's having difficulty remembering past events. He knows who he is and where he came from. He knows what Starfleet is but the finer details are somewhat distorted. We'll know more in the coming weeks." 

Uhura actually clapped a hand to her mouth, eyes watering, Chekov placing a comforting hand on her shoulder.  

"How long will it last?" Sulu asked, his face solemn, arms folded tightly.  

"We don't know." Leonard said. "Each case is different. Sometimes it only lasts a few days, but sometimes it can be months. Some patients never recover lost memories but it hopefully won't come to that." 

Scotty scrubbed his chin with his hand "So will he remember us then?" 

"Again, we don't know." Leonard said, "You'll each take it in turns to visit him, so we don't overload him with information." 

Spock nodded curtly, processing this latest information, "I would like to see him, Doctor." 

"Sure, Spock. Go ahead." 

 

Leonard watched Jim's reaction closely, as Spock entered the Jim's room. Instantly, Jim's face lit up into a toothy grin. A clear sign of recognition.  

Grinding his teeth, Leonard scratched his head.  It was a good sign, that Jim was remembering other crew members. This was a clear indication that the amnesia wasn't as severe as Leonard first thought. But why, did Jim not remember him? 

Leonard sat in his office, mulling over the days events in his head. Jim had amnesia, that much was clear, but it was more complicated than anything Leonard had seen in his medical career.  

As each crew member had visited Jim, it became apparent that the degree of his amnesia was very specific in who he could and could not remember. Trying to piece it all together, leonard thought back to earlier.  

Jim had been able to remember Spock. As well as Uhura, and Sulu, Scotty and Chekov. As realization swept over him, Leonard's hands turned clammy and his vision went blurry. It was as though the wind had been knocked out of him and it suddenly became difficult to breathe.  

Leonard was the _only_ person Jim couldn't remember.  

 

 

************* 

 

 

As best he could, Leonard tried to put it out of his mind. It was a fact that Jim couldn't remember him. It was also a fact that Leonard was the only one that Jim couldn't remember. But Leonard had things to do. He had very little time to sit about and cry. Jim needed him, whether he remembered him or not, and for now, that was enough.  

Leonard wasted no time on starting Jim on supplements. Jim's iron and magnesium levels were severely depleted. Another scan told Leonard that up to forty percent of Jim's muscle tissue had been damaged. The radiation had also affected his blood cell count, reducing it to alarmingly low numbers, meaning that Jim would be much more susceptible to illness. He would also have to have some pretty intense physical therapy.  All of this was also accompanied by acute nausea and vomiting.  

"Why is this happening to me?" Jim asked, after emptying the contents of his stomach into a pan for the third time in an hour. 

"You had over 3000 rems  of radiation blast through your body. A little nausea isn't too bad considering." Leonard said lightly. 

But If Leonard was waiting for a quick witted comeback, he would be disappointed. Instead Jim sank back into his pillows, massaging his throat, his skin glistening with sweat and eyes watering.  

Leonard sighed. He hated seeing Jim in so much discomfort. "Jim. This is to be expected. Not many people have survived what you have, so this is new territory for me as well. We will just take it step by step." 

Jim nodded, his eyes closed.  

"Truth is, you're going to be feeling pretty lousy for the next few days kid." 

 

The surplus of time with Jim meant that Leonard could examine him properly, and get to understand the nature of his Amnesia in more depth. He still had no idea how long it would last, or if it would ever go away.  

Jim still had no recollection of Leonard. He had taken to calling Leonard 'Dr McCoy', which he hated. The first time Jim had called him that, Leonard almost stopped breathing right then and there. It was just a small torturous reminder that Leonard had been erased from Jim's mind. 

As well as the physical exercises, Jim was put through daily mental exercises to try and help with his memory  

"Can you add anything new this time?" Leonard asked Jim. 

Jim paused momentarily before answering, screwing up his face in thought. "No nothing. The last thing I remember clearly, is the bar fight." 

"Riverside?" 

Jim nodded. "Yeah. I was drunk off my ass. I picked a fight with some idiot, trying to impress a girl." 

Jim smiled as he recalled the event, his gaze fixed on his hands in front of him. This was Jim's last intact memory. Everything else after that was a blur. As Jim said, the rest of it was "noise." 

"Okay Jim, I want to try something else with you." Leonard said.  

"Sure thing Dr McCoy." 

There it was again. _Dr McCoy._ It sounded like a foreign language coming out of Jim's mouth. Of course, Jim would have no idea the effect it had on Leonard, why would he? Leonard had been erased hadn't he? Leonard pushed these thoughts out of his mind. He had to stay focused.  

Leonard continued. "I'm going to say a couple of  words, just for today, and I want you to say the first thing that comes to mind, okay?" 

Jim nodded, adjusting himself to get more comfortable against the mound of pillows.  

"Okay." Leonard began. "First word. Ship." 

"Water." 

Leonard noted Jim's answer down in his PADD. "Next one. Yellow." 

"Sun." 

"Stars." 

"Darkness." Jim shot back.  

"Okay good, and last one. Doctor." 

"Life" Jim said without hesitation. 

'That's good Jim. You did good. I'm going to give you this, know what it is?" 

Jim took the electronic device off Leonard and studied it for a moment. "It’s a Personal Access Display Device. Or more commonly known as a P.A.D.D" 

"That's right. I want you to log a few things down for me. When you eat, use the bathroom. Any new memories, recurring dreams. New names, people you meet, daily activities. That sort of thing. Think you can manage that?" 

Jim nods. 

"Great. I'll check in every few days, see how you're progressing." 

Leonard stood up to leave. He was quite keen to get out of here. Being around Jim was... difficult to say the least.  

"Dr McCoy?" 

Dammit. And again. It frustrated Leonard beyond belief that his own name could knock the wind out of his lungs. It was his own fucking name, why did it matter that Jim use it? 

Leonard turned around.  

"Yes, Jim?" 

The kid looked hesitant. His fingers interlocked with the blanket that lay over him. He was fidgeting.  

"Did-did we know each other?" 

Leonard felt the blood drain from his face, a loud ringing in his ears sending him off balance.  

"What makes you ask that?" He finally asked, forcing air back into his oxygen depleted lungs. 

Jim shrugged. "I just wondered." 

Leonard considered Jim for a moment before answering. What was he supposed to say? How the hell do you answer that? 

"Yes." Leonard said quietly, blinking quickly. 

Jim's expression was hard to read. Was he sad? Was that sadness on his face? Maybe he remembering something? That was probably just wishful thinking on Leonard's part.  

"Were we friends?" 

Leonard's throat constricted as his lungs refused to work properly. His fingers went numb as he tried to remain un-phased by this last question.  

"Yes. Yes we were." 

 

* * * * *  

 

Leonard couldn’t get out of there fast enough. His legs carried him as fast as they would go. He wasn't even sure himself where he was going. It wasn't until he got into the lift that he had a destination in mind. His arm outstretched, index finger lightly touching on a button that read 'B'. As soon as his skin made contact with the button, it glowed a gentle blue, and the lift shunted downwards. He was going to the basement. 

It hadn't bothered him too much until now. Leonard had purposefully thrown everything he had into Jim's recovery, so that he didn't have to dwell on the fact that he'd been fucking erased.  

The lift came to a halt and it's doors opened. There wasn't a lot down here; a load of old medical equipment that was from the dark ages, paperwork that had long since dusted over and several dead mice. Junk.  

Leonard wandered around. He was looking for something in particular. Cursing as he tripped over something and lost his footing, he slammed into the ground.  

Blistering pain stinging the palms of his hands, he yelled to no one. "Fucking dammit!"  

Pulling himself up off the ground, Leonard turned to see what he had fallen over. It was an old fire extinguisher, it's red paint peeling and cracking.  

He kicked it out of the way, regretting it instantly as pain shot up his foot. Already in a foul mood, Leonard pushed his way through broken hospital beds and large clunky scanners that were at least a hundred years old.  

It wasn't until he came across the peculiar shaped cylindrical tube that Leonard stopped. This was what he had come for.  

The last time he saw this thing, Jim Kirk had been lying in it. Dead. 

If someone had asked Leonard to describe how he felt at that very moment, he would have found it difficult to answer.  

His best friend had died that day. Jim. And though his heart continued to beat, to Leonard, it still felt like he was dead.  

Jim was dead. His pulse had ceased. And oxygen had no longer poured into his lungs. Something else had died that day, each and every memory of Leonard. 

But why? 

Why couldn't Jim remember him? 

Why was it that Jim remembered every single crew member of the USS Enterprise, except for /him/. 

Leonard felt his face grow hot, as a kind of anger built inside him. A white hot rage that had been spreading inside him, like a cancer.  

He'd been staring at the cryotube for so long, his vision had gone blurry. 

"Oh you know what." Leonard said to the inanimate object. "Fuck you." 

Wheeling round, he hauled the fire extinguisher into his hands and swung it into the cryotube as hard as he could.  

The air was rent as metal hit metal, drowning out his screams.  Leonard hit it again, this time hitting the glass panel on the front. He could still see Jim's pale face lying there, unmoving. Glass shattered in an explosive ark, which pierced Leonard as he failed to scatter the window of shards. Blood dripped down his arm, but he didn't care. Again and again he hit the cryotube which became dented and distorted.  

Three years. Three fucking years they'd spent at the academy together. Had that counted for fucking  _nothing_ _._ Leonard had always been there for Jim, listening to him talk about his father, and his mother. All of the sleepless nights, driving around in the early hours of the morning to find which bar Jim was at, and making _sure_  he got home safe. All the times Leonard would just hold Jim during his panic attacks, after he'd woken up in the middle of the night screaming as nightmares from Tarsus IV continued to torment him.  

All those times they'd stayed the night at each other's apartments after late night study sessions, despite everyone talking about it behind their back, because neither Leonard nor Jim fucking cared what other people thought.  

Leonard didn't take to people easily, there were very few people he would call a friend, and Jim had been one of them.  

It wasn't until Leonard raised his fingers to his cheeks, damp to the touch, that he realized he was crying. Leonard dropped the extinguisher which fell to the floor with a relieved clang.   

Leonard wasn't paying attention to where he was going. He wanted to get as far away from here as he could. As he hurried out of the lift, he walked straight into someone.  

It was Uhura. 

"Sorry." He mumbled quietly, before starting back down the corridor.  

"Dr McCoy!" She called after him.  

Jaw clenched, Leonard quickly placed his arms behind his back to hide the red.  

"I wanted to talk to you if that's okay." Uhura said smiling, her hair in her usual sleek high ponytail.  

"I-I've got to go... very busy... patients to see." Leonard said, desperately wanting to get out of there.  

"I just wanted to ask about Jim, how he's doing." 

Leonard forced himself to breathe. "He's doing fine Uhura. Better than fine. He's improving-" 

"He still doesn't remember you, does he?" She asked, a sort of pained expression on her face. 

It annoyed him further, with everyone pitying him. But they didn't understand. None of them had been fucking erased from Jim's mind.  

"No." Leonard said, a sour taste brushing his mouth.  

"Maybe he needs something to help him jog his memory?" Uhura suggested. 

"What do you think I've been doing?" Leonard said bitterly. 

"Dr McCoy, I didn't mean to-" but she faltered as her eyes landed on his arm. "You're hurt, you need to see a doctor." 

Uhura tried to take hold of his injured arm, which was now oozing blood, splintered fragments of glass refracting the harsh hospital lights. But Leonard yanked his arm out of her reach. 

"I am the damned doctor." He said. "I'm fine. How about you just mind your own." 

 Uhura's face fell. He could tell that he'd hurt her feelings. He knew he should apologize, but instead he turned away, and continued down the corridor, leaving Uhura standing there.  

 

 

Leonard didn't stop until he'd closed the door behind him, darkness clinging tightly to his apartment. Without even turning the lights on, he dropped his work bag which smacked to the ground.  

Heading upstairs, Leonard bypassed the kitchen, despite his stomach aching with hunger. He failed to make it as far as his bed as his legs, unable to support him any longer, give way. Gravity consumes him and he lands on the floor with a painful thud.  

Darkness compressed him in all directions, as Leonard sat with his face in hands, his nails digging painfully into his forehead. Too tired to move, Leonard drew out a long breath, his body wracked with exhaustion, pain radiating through his arms. 

He had to be up in four hours. Leonard needed sleep. His body needed sleep yet Leonard made no effort to move. Maybe this was what he deserved. Maybe Jim had forgotten him because he wasn't worth remembering.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. This Is Where I Died

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim still can't remember. Leonard is running out of ideas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao this took me nearly a year to write the second chapter. A lot has happened in my life since then but I'm back. 
> 
> I hope this next chapter is somewhat coherent, as always I appreciate your feedback, be as harsh as you see fit. It helps to be criticized.

Leonard knew that he was losing Jim.

It had been weeks since the accident and there had been no progress made on Jim's memories. The doctor stared at the screen, trying to make sense of his latest set of vitals. As usual, they remained unchanged.

This didn’t surprise Leonard, but he always had hope that something would be different. Leonard had spent hours poring over Jim’s notebook, hoping to find something, anything that suggested Jim remembered his life as Captain of the Enterprise.

This wasn't the only thing bothering Leonard. It was becoming apparent that the rest of the crew were becoming frustrated with him. At first, they tried to be patient and understanding with his temper. Urhura would leave a homecooked meal at Leonard’s doorstep every few nights knowing that he wouldn't be eating properly. Scotty would try and tell jokes and lighten the mood. Spock’s attempt to console Leonard would be to follow him down corridors citing patient cases of amnesia who had recovered their memories. Leonard knew they were only trying to be helpful, yet he still would lash out at them.

Keys in hand, Leonard walked up the steps to his flat. The front door devoid of food. They’d stopped coming a few nights ago when he’d yelled at Nyota. Making a mental note to apologise to her, he opened the door to the dark house. 

 

Jim's physical progress had rapidly improved. He was now showering without the help of a nurse. He was able to tolerate solid meals and was now taking short walks down the hospital corridors. 

Leonard had caught Jim late one night trying to sneak to the kitchens to get some food. Leonard had bullied him back into bed, and for a fleeting moment he felt like he was talking to his old friend. 

But the fact remained unchanged that Jim still had significant lapses in memory which would cause Jim to get angry and throw fits out of frustration.

Leonard had decided on a new approach. Nothing he had tried had seemed to work so far. There was nothing to lose. But to make sure, Leonard had consulted Spock. He’d never liked the Vulcan first officer, but he knew that Spock had great respect for Jim and had his best interests at heart.

“It is risky doctor.” Spock said. “But without risk there cannot be reward” the Vulcan mused. “I would suggest caution, Doctor McCoy.”

Leonard nodded and gave Spock a light tap on the shoulder with his clipboard. “Knew I could count on your honest opinion.”

 

 “Right Jim. Today we’re doing something a little different. We’re going to take a little field trip.”

Jim’s eyes widened, crinkling with what looked like happiness. “You mean I actually get to leave this building? I get to leave this prison?”

“Hardy ha-ha.” Leonard said, enjoying Jim’s old wit. “But yes, we’re heading out today Jim.”

A nurse helped Jim out of his hospital gown and into a t-shirt and jeans. The t-shirt sagged around the shoulders and the jeans had to be held up by a belt, but he looked more like the old Jim that Leonard had come to know so well. It was just another reminder of what Jim once was.

***

 “Where are we going?” Jim asked, as they slowly made their way to the shuttle bay.

“Can’t tell you that Jim. It would defeat the purpose of our little trip today.”

Leonard tried to help strap Jim in, but he was shushed away almost immediately. “I’m fine, Doctor McCoy, I’ve got this.”

“Alright, alright.” Leonard replied.

He couldn’t help but notice how tight Jim had to pull the harness to accommodate his smaller frame. He also noticed how Jim’s fingers worked their way around the belts. It was clear to Leonard that Jim knew what he was doing. There was a certain knack to tightening the shuttle harnesses, and Jim seemed to be able to work them with ease. Trying not to get too excited, Leonard secured the med kit he’d brought with him. Just in case.

 “We’ll be there soon. Just sit tight.” Leonard said. He not to dwell on how pale Jim looked as he fastened his own harness. Something in the back of his mind questioned his decision to take Jim out of the hospital for the day. But they would only be gone a few hours at most. And if it helped Jim to recover some of his lost memories, surely it would be worth it.

The captain’s voice came over the com, announcing their departure.

The shuttle moved with a shunt and a hiss and they soon became airborne. The ground disappeared from underneath them as they hurtled towards the outer rungs of Earth’s atmosphere. Blue sky quickly disintegrated into darkness.

Leonard felt a pang in his chest. The last time he was here was the day of the accident. He glanced over to Jim, who was oblivious to this moment. The last time Leonard had been on board the Enterprise, was the day that Jim died.

The worst day.

Jim simply gazed out the small circular window, mouth slightly open and eyes wide, completely unaware of the gravity of the situation.

 

The shuttle approached the docking bay of the USS Enterprise and came to a grinding halt as it landed. Swallowing hard, Leonard forced his breathing to return to normal. Unsure if his hastened heart rate was due to his fear of flying, or the fact that he was back here.

Back on the Enterprise.

 

“Here we are Jim.” Leonard said, looking the ship’s Captain as the stepped off the shuttle.

Head swimming, Leonard placed a hand on the shuttle’s fuselage for stability.

“You alright Doctor McCoy?” Jim asked, voice laced with concern.

It hurt.

It fucking _hurt_.

Jim had no idea how hard this was. Leonard almost envied the kid’s indifference to the situation.

Leonard feigned a smile. “Not the world’s best flyer. Give me a minute I’ll be fine.”

Jim nodded, taking the doctor’s word as truth.

It was hard to ignore the quietness aboard the ship. The Enterprise was about halfway through its repairs. But as it was a Saturday, no one was working.

Leonard thought it would be a promising idea to bring Jim on a day when there weren’t too many people about. He wanted to keep Jim as calm as possible, and the thought that hundreds of people gadding about might upset him.

It was strange though, to see the carbo bay empty of its usual bustle.

 

 “Doctor McCoy, what are we doing here?”

 “Thought it would be good to get you out of the hospital for the day,” the doctor replied.

Jim nodded, his glance turning in all directions, drinking in the sites that the Enterprise had to offer.

Leonard almost smiled. He remembered back to when he himself had first stepped on the ship. It was back when he and Jim were at the academy. She had been brand new, a ship full of promise and hope to explore new places.

Recalling his first steps onto the ship, Leonard had been wide eyed and open mouthed, the same expression that Jim carried on his face right now. The ships walls had missing panels and wires dangling, yet she still held a beauty that was inexplainable.

 

“So, what are we doing here?” Jim asked, still looking around him.

“Wherever you want to Jim. I’m just here to make sure you don’t trip over and break any bones. Wherever you go, I go.”

Jim nodded. They made their way through the levels, Leonard watching him with great anticipation. At first, Jim didn’t appear to be remembering anything. His path didn’t seem to lead them anywhere of interest. They ended up in the upper living quarters, a storage facility and the brig.

Leonards hopes began to dwindle. But as they exited their trip from the mess hall, Jim’s pace began to hasten. They were headed toward the turbo-lift. Jims fingers worked quickly over the panel of buttons. The lift halted, and Leonard’s heart began to beat faster, his palms slick with sweat.

They were on the bridge.

“Do you know where we are, Jim?”

It was clear that the captain knew exactly where they were.

Jim’s pallid face had lit up. Leonard knew how he felt.

He was home.

The former captain took his time examining the area. Though the damage to the ship had been extensive in the attack, the bridge had remained largely intact. Apart from a few wall panels missing, the bridge was just as magnificent as it was the day of her maiden voyage.

Jim’s gaze fell to the Captain’s chair. Breath hitched in his throat, Leonard watched as Jim made his way over. Hands running over the black leather upholstery, Jim exhaled deeply. It was hard to tell what he was thinking.

Letting himself drop into its hold, Jim sat down in the chair, his arms placed over the sides.

“Dr McCoy?”

“Yes Jim,” Leonard said, surprised at how raspy his voice was.

“Have I-have I been here before?”

“Yes Jim.” Leonard answered. “You have.”

Leonard wanted more than anything to ask Jim what he remembered, but he knew that pressuring Jim now could ruin any progress made. Jim had to figure this out on his own and let him remember on his own terms.

But Jim didn’t say anything else. He stood up and began to make his way back to the turbo-lift. Leonard had no choice but to follow.

They ended up in engineering, and a bio-lab where there were remnants of black ink on the walls from their trip to Nibiru. Nothing indicated that Jim was remembering anything further.

Leonard’s hopes began to sink yet again as they wandered through the ship. Jim made no further hint that he was remembering anything of his time at Starfleet.

“Jim. Do you know where engineering is?”

“Engineering?”

“Yeah, thought you might like to have a look.” Leonard offered. He wasn’t supposed to direct Jim in anyway, but there had been no progress and time was running out. Jim was becoming more out of breath, his energy lacking. Leonard needed to give him a little push if any progress was going to happen today.

Jim nodded slowly.

“Do you think you could take us there?” Leonard asked.

Jim nodded again.

At first, they headed back up to the sleeping quarters, but then Jim stopped.

Shaking his head, he muttered to himself. “No, no it’s this way. This way.” And he corrected his path.

It was perfectly quiet as they reached engineering. Leonard had forgotten how cool it was down here. The only sound was the gentle hum of the newly repaired warp core on standby. Leonard watched Jim closely.

Though Jim’s expression appeared vacant, Leonard knew that he was deep in thought.

Jim said nothing for a long time. Hands in pockets, he stood there looking at the core. His eyes fell upon the small hatch to the core’s mainframe.

Leonard almost couldn’t bear it. He felt truly nauseous. This was the place that Jim had died. If it hadn’t of been for Khan’s platelets, Jim wouldn’t even be standing here right now.

“Jim? Jim are you okay?” Leonard asked cautiously.

Slowly, Jim turned to Leonard

“This was where I died,” Jim said, his voice barely above a whisper.

It wasn’t a question. It was a statement.

Leonard had been waiting for this moment. But now that it was here, he had no words. He didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t just his body that had perished. But a part of his soul, his memories. A part of his being was gone.

Jim wasn’t speaking either. Sweat was dribbling down his back and seeping into his shirt.

Leonard wanted to let Jim stay here for a while longer, but he knew that Jim needed rest.

“C’mon Jim. We should get you back.”

“Just another minute.”

“Jim, you look like you can barely stand-“

“Just another minute!” Jim said, his gaze fixed on the trapdoor.

Jim knelt to his knees, arm outstretched. His hand reached out and he placed it on the glass panel on the trapdoor. Leonard felt sick. Jim was remembering. He remembered dying. He remembered Spock’s hand on the glass.

Leonard twitched guiltily. Scotty, and Nyota and Spock had all been there for Jim. But he had not been in engineering when Jim had passed. Leonard recalled vividly the moment he had heard of Jim’s death.

Maybe this was why Jim didn’t remember him. Maybe he’d shut out the doctor from his memories because he was angry at him for not being there.

“Jim, we really should go.”

Lowering himself to Jim’s level, Leonard helped him off the floor.

He wished that he could give Jim more time. More time to remember. Jim’s reluctance to leave suggested that memories were coming back to him, however hazy and foggy they might be. But Leonard knew that he was already pushing it, he could feel dampness through Jim’s shirt as he helped him stand.

The walk back to the shuttle was slow. Leonard took a firm hold of the captain to ensure he didn’t fall.

“You still with me Jim?” Leonard asked.

There was a low grunt in response, prompting Leonard to urge Jim on faster.

“Almost back, there we go.”

As they made it back to the cargo bay, Leonard called out to the shuttle captain.

 “We need to get back on the ground as soon as possible.”

He nodded curtly and the whined as its engines started.

Jim was too tired to buckle himself In, so Leonard quickly fastened the belts. He could see that Jim was fading. A quick scan of a tricorder over Jim’s body told Leonard that he was running a fever.

They began their decent into earth’s atmosphere, and the starry black soon became periwinkle blue.

Had it been stupid, bringing Jim back up to the Enterprise,  _in space??_ Leonard cursed to himself, as he watched Jim deteriorate further.

“Nearly there Jim.” There was no response. Acidic bile burned Leonard’s throat as he realized Jim was no longer conscious.

Prodding his shoulder, Jim’s limp figure didn’t move. 

_Shit._

“Jim stay with me,” Leonard urged, feeling for Jim’s pulse. It was still there, but it was weak. Sweat was now rolling of Jim’s pale face, his eyes closed.

 

“Shit Jim.” Leonard said, guilt wracking at his insides. This was all his fault, if he hadn’t had been so desperate for Jim to remember him this would never have happened. He should have known that Jim’s body wouldn’t have been able to cope with a trip to fucking outer space.  

Leonard reached for the med-kit, but it had slid out of reach. The shuttle groaned as it re-entered earth’s atmosphere. Reaching back to Jim, Leonard’s insides turned, as though someone has tipped icy water down his throat.

He could no longer feel Jim’s pulse.

Swearing, Leonard outstretched his hand, but the bag was out of his grasp. The shuttle gave another sharp jolt. It was too unsafe to unbuckle his belt, but Jim didn’t have time.

“Fuck it!”

Leonard flicked his seatbelt latch causing an alarm to sound.

“Are you out of your mind!” the captain yelled from the pilot’s seat. “Put your belt back on!”

But Leonard was already wrestling his harness off him. Diving onto his med-kit, he yanked out a hypo. He tried to stand up but another violent lurch unbalanced Leonard and sent him crashing to the shuttle floor. The hypo flew out of his reach as his shoulder met metal.

Groaning in pain, Leonard’s fingers wrapped around the hypo, scooping it off the floor. He hauled himself over to Jim. He rolled up the unconscious captain’s sleeve and injecting the hypo into his forearm.

Glancing upwards, Leonard saw that Jim’s eyes remained closed, his body still. Leonard sat himself back in his seat, the harness remained unbuckled. Leonard waited for the hypo to kick in.

Jim stayed still momentarily, then drew in a sharp breath. His eyes flew open as he gasped for breath.

“Jim!”

Eyes closing again, Jim became still once more. The tricorder told Leonard he was stable for now at least.

“What in the blazes is going on back there? Are you trying to kill yourself?” the pilot yelled. Leonard breathed a sigh of relief as the shuttle steadied and the darkness became blue sky.

Breathing heavily, Leonard sat back in his seat. “Something like that,” he replied.

It wasn’t until a warm, metallic taste spread through Leonard’s mouth that he realised he had been biting his lip.

“Jesus Christ Jim,” Leonard said to the unconscious figure next to him. “Always a taste for the dramatics aren’t you.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
